In theory, any device that spends 90 minutes in a frenzy of cleaning should be a welcome addition to your kitchen. But until these things can scrub the Teflon off a fry pan, they should be treated as nothing more than a sanitizing agent.

Scrub all dishes before placing them inside, then turn your water heater up to the “Flames of Hell” setting.

RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip: 

Depending on whether they’ve been behaving, you may wish to warn family members about the water temperature.

Modern ovens are a marvel. Equipped with a large glass window and a light bulb (which must be left on at all times), passing visitors have the opportunity to be shamed by your oven’s spotless interior vis a vis their own.

But, sadly, this appliance also has a dark side, for that same light can taunt you like a shiny schoolyard bully, harshly exposing even the tiniest bits of crusty, blackened food that were not effectively removed.

Remedy:

Don’t kid yourself; a self-cleaning oven isn’t. Heating up that disgusting food residue doesn’t eliminate it. Instead, use a handy spray oven cleaner, whose noxious fumes melt the grime off like nuclear waste. Then simply wipe away!

RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip: 

Keep a crash cart handy in case of loss of consciousness.

The Refrigerator

Shelves should be empty, well-lit and Windexed daily. If guests aren’t immediately blinded

by the reflection, Windex again.

This provides a stunning testament to your willpower and self-control, and will immediately

inspire guilt and shame in those less driven.

Is spraying noxious chemicals inside a box where food is kept a concern?

If you go down that road, you’ll never 409 the inside of your microwave – and then where will you be?

Whatever foodstuffs you do deem necessary (vitamins, coffee, Dexedrine diet pills) should be arranged alphabetically, with all labels aligned and facing uniformly out. This way, you can snatch the desired item without lingering and having to interact with overly chatty family members.

Leftovers – If it wasn’t good enough to finish in the first place, it’s not good enough to

mar your pristine shelves.

An empty bottle in the refrigerator? Why not just break it in half and stab me with it?

There may be rare occasions (natural disasters, when Social Services comes to visit)

when food may need to be briefly stored here. But care should be taken to ensure that all

items meet safety standards.

RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip:

Like an aging relative, if it’s approaching its expiration date, throw it out.

Hello again, dear failing homemakers. I’m ready to begin changing your lives!

Your many calls, emails and twats have shown me just how desperate the great unwashed is for my valuable homecare advice. So, let’s get to it!

The first area that I’d like to address is one so many struggle mightily with:

THE KITCHEN 

The Sink

Water in the kitchen sink after dinner is a hazard to your children’s health (when you discover it). Once the kitchen has been scoured post-meal, there is zero need for them to tarnish any surface with liquids, food or their adorable, grubby little hands.

RAKE THAT SHAG! Tip: 

Incentivize Kitchen Avoidance in Two Easy Steps

 *           Step 1: Gaily string electric fence wire at an unobtrusive height around all kitchen entrances.

 *           Step 2: Give your spouse and children the gift of lightweight correction collars.

Attempting to visit the kitchen after hours will result in a gentle electric shock.

Aren’t you feeling more empowered already? Isn’t a wave of superiority washing over you as we speak?

Be sure to stay tuned for exciting and helpful new tips twice a week!

Well, now that I’ve taken your breath away with the very thought of having the perfect home, let’s get to work and RAKE THAT SHAG!

Rake That Shag, you ask? Why is Elaine using the metaphor of shag carpeting maintenance?

Well, truth be told, I first began compiling these tips in the 1970’s…but I find them just as useful today! I live my life like it’s still the 70’s – and you can, too. After all, the 70’s were when the feminist movement truly began to take hold, and women first realized that they can have it all.

So, I’m here to show you how to do just that.

Of course, I’m not excluding my male readers! After all, maintaining a home at Levitz Furniture Showroom levels requires the help of ALL family members, even those who typically spend their time lolling around like inmates in a prison yard.

Just imagine: what could provide more satisfaction than attempting to have complete and utter control over your home environment?

What could bring more joy than mastering the minutiae of life?

Sound too daunting? Don’t think you can manage it?

RAKE THAT SHAG!

The handy tips I’ll be proffering will deliver simple yet essential steps for creating a home that will make you the envy of the neighborhood, and have others marveling at your work ethic and wishing you were dead for years to come.

You’re welcome.